I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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