i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
