I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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