I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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