Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
