Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize