quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
