i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
