I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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