My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
