im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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