Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
