Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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