i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
