I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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