Are we in a gay sports bar?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
