it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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