I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
