It's Friday. Sex?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
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Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
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And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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