i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
