i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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