Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
