Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
