he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
