apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
