well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
sex in a hospital.. check
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
