I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
