I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
