four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
