I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
