Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
