Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
