last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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