he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize