i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
