wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
there is puke in my bra ... again
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