Please, let me fuck your mom
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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