doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
