My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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