Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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