He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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