Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
