The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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