If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
