Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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