Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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