Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea