Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.