Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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