My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
