I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
