my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
