So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We are all done wearing pants today
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
