im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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