Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
