But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
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You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
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He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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