you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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