A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
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She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
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I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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