i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
