I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
