His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
