I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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